Leave. Stay. Lean.

As I’m getting ready for church, I think to myself that  Iwant to leave as soon as the service is over.

The dishes need doing. There’s clothes still on the line.  Ironing to be done.  Work to be completed before the next week comes knocking on my door. 

Fast forward two hours.. and I’m sitting in my chair as the service closes. 

And..

I don’t care about the ironing. Or the washing, or the dishes. Or the work.

I don’t want to go.  I just want to stay.

I’ve sung songs about God’s love and relentless grace.  Tears have streamed down my face. I’ve prayed and prayed. I have felt like my heart is going to burst with joy.

And I’ve been reminded that the most important thing in my life is my relationship with God. Everything else flows from it.

I dig out my Bible and am immediately prompted to Proverbs 3 :5.

‘ Trust In the Lord with all your heart and lean, not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight’.

Lean on Him.  Lean. As in transfer all your weight. I really need to start doing that,  because my life is heavy.  It feels real heavy right now.

I’m so thankful right now that Our God is THE God of healing, The God of freedom, the God of Grace and the God of absoulte POWER,  a limitless God.

And I pray that He will be ever so present and powerful in our lives.

enough.

There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.

And I have had enough.

I have sent an email to my trainer and I’ve filled a big box with everything study related – to go in the shed. I'm not doing anymore. 

I am three units away from completing a Certificate 4 in Training and my time is up in two weeks time.  I’m so close! I’ve put in so much time and effort so far.

BUT

I realised a few weeks ago that I had to stop thinking, doing, stressing and prioritising this study. 

I made the decision to focus on what was actually important – my husband, and supporting him every day, and myself, and actually practising some self care.

I needed to focus on our health and our wellbeing , our marriage and our happiness.  Its been a rough year so far and completing a Certificate 4 right NOW is not what’s important.

At first I was so upset about ‘giving up’ -  I’m a failure! I have failed! I haven’t achieved anything.

Its not like that at all.

I’m not giving up, I’m recognising when I’ve had enough. I haven’t failed; I’ve completed 9 units and when the time comes, I only have three more to do.

Do I feel good about this decision?

Hell yeah.

lego love

Mr Man has wonderful parents.  We are so blessed by his mum and dad. They have been married for something crazy like 37 years and they are loving and supportive and just. really. great. 

They live in a big brick house on a quiet country road surrounded in paddock. And cows.

Today they gave us an old container of Lego which Mr Man and his brother used to play when they were little. 

I LOVE Lego. I'm half Danish and I loved playing with Lego when I was a kid.

When we got home, I filled the bath with water and tipped the Lego in to give them a wash. 

As I looked at the pieces and swirled them around, I could just picture  Mr Man as a six year old, building; his little hands putting steering wheels and tyres on pieces. ( And probably fighting his brother for the good pieces.) 

 It made my heart smile.

Gloriousness.

I LOVE when I get a chance to stay in bed.

Every now and then, on the weekend, I have no reason to get up and rush into my day.

So I savour the opportunity to laze in bed.

I read. I think. I sip coffee. I reflect. I pat Miss Cat.  I relax.  Sometimes I close my eyes again for a while.

It. is. glorious.

Damm you.

Damm you Trade Secret.

Here I was, minding my own business, coming in to find myself a little black bag for my work party tonight.

I walk in and BAMM.

I get hit with newborn baby onesies and tiny pink socks.

 Everywhere I look. KAPOW. PUNCH. SLAP.

All I could hear was my heart beating, I grabbed the first bag I saw and got out.

And then I sat in the car and shed a tear.  or two.  actually it was probably more like ten.

But that's OKAY.

From Mr Man

Mr Man read my previous post and replied to it - blog style so I could post it.  Here it is: 

If you were any of those things I would not have asked you to marry me.

Stupid : you are not because I  know you to be the complete opposite to that -  “smart, intelligent and gifted” maybe but definitely not stupid.

Idiot: well, we are all act like idiots from time to time and we make fools of ourselves but we are and you are not an Idiot.

Selfish: that’s one word that couldn't be further from the truth. If you think you are selfish that’s crazy. You are entirely selfless in all that you do and the people you meet especially me. I don’t know anyone as selfless as you, putting your own happiness before everyone else.

Bitch: is a female dog and no woman deserves that title or insult. You are not a bitch simple.

To me, you are the most amazing sincere person that I have met, you are perfect for me in every way and before you say  “No I am not perfect” I love all your imperfections just as much. You're beautiful in every way, your heart and your soul. 

I knew all this the moment I met you; I could see it all- us together forever (yes with our differences), our wedding, fishing in the boat, happy memories and hard ones too and eventually growing old together. This may seem cliché but it’s true. 

I love you and you are deserving of such a journey and world with me.

I hope you find it within yourself to forgive yourself because I forgive you and am sorry that I also acted the way I did which is in part responsible.

agh

Stupid. Idiot. Selfish. bitch. Stupid. Idiot. Selfish. Bitch.

I did something that hurt my husband and now, I’m beating myself up about it. As you can see.

I made him think that I was comparing him to my ex.

I was not.

The thought of putting Mr Man and my ex on the same page tears me apart.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

My ex was a monster. There are things about him that nobody knows because I simply cant bare to say the words. It was the worst time of my life.

Mr Man however is in a category of his own. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met in every possible way. He is the benchmark of all benchmarks. He is everything to me.  I love him more than I can say.  He is my husband – he is….my world and…… I don’t deserve him.

I  cant seem to forgive myself for hurting Mr Man.